Hello,
Based on your response to my last newsletter, this subject is resonating with many of you, even (especially?) those in happy marriages. With a divorce rate of 40%, and gray divorce (divorce over 50) on the incline, everyone knows someone…
And there’s something special about divorce. I mean, on the one hand it sucks – social stigma, shame, a public failure…and worst of all the anticipated negative impact on your kids. Awful.
Yet. There’s a silver lining in moments of transition, even those most awful ones like disease, death and divorce.
There’s suddenly space. That space can feel terrifying, ie. the first time you’re in an empty house without your kids. No one around for that plus one for an important work event. A snowstorm and no one to help you shovel. Staring blankly at the page when asked for an emergency contact. The other side of the bed..
There’s another way to think about this stage of life. What if, instead of seeing it as a crisis, we saw it as a second puberty?
Remember adolescence? Your body was changing. Your identity was changing. Your friendships shifted. You experimented with music, clothes, beliefs, relationships, and independence. You were trying on versions of yourself to see what fit.
Many adults experience something surprisingly similar after divorce. Suddenly people are asking questions they haven’t asked in decades.
- What do I actually enjoy?
- Where do I want to live?
- What makes my body feel alive?
- Sex? Oh yeah, SEX!
- What parts of my old life do I genuinely want to keep?
- What kind of partner do I want now? / Do I even want a partner?
I see divorcees trying biking for the first time then getting hyper into it. Can you say…Crossfit?Solo trips. Ukulele. Starting a business. Going back to school. Exploring meditation. Rediscovering sexuality. Reconnecting with old friends. Making entirely new groups of friends.
The body wakes up first
People sometimes expect self-discovery to be an intellectual exercise, but it’s often physical.
You might notice:
- Different sleep patterns
- A renewed interest in exercise
- Changes in libido
- A different relationship with alcohol or other substances
- Greater awareness of what makes you feel calm or energized
Many people describe feeling more present in their bodies than they have in years. They’re listening to themselves again.
Grief and joy coexist
One of the biggest surprises for many people is that they can deeply miss aspects of their old life while genuinely loving their new one.
You can feel lonely on Friday night and completely alive on Saturday morning. You can mourn your marriage while also feeling relieved it ended. Those aren’t contradictions—they’re part of integrating a major life transition. Too often we think every decision has to be permanent. It doesn’t. Trying something isn’t marrying it.
One of my favorite coaching questions is simply: “What are you learning about yourself?”
Self-discovery isn’t about reinventing yourself overnight. It’s about paying attention.
Follow your curiosity
Just like I coach adults in their early twenties – if you’re not sure, don’t pressure yourself to make a decisions. Don’t lock in too quickly. Just learn.
- What are you curious about and how can you enjoy it?
- What makes you feel more like you?
- What does your body say yes to?
- Which people bring out your best self? Why?
- What are you no longer willing to tolerate?
The clients who navigate transition successfully aren’t the ones with the perfect plan. They’re the ones who are curious, and take action on those curiosities to build themselves.
So if you find yourself feeling a little uncertain, a little adventurous, maybe even a little like a teenager again, don’t assume something has gone wrong. You haven’t lost your mind and you’re not having a midlife crisis.
You are creating a new version of yourself. You’re experimenting and exploring. You’re becoming.
And that’s a pretty wonderful place to enjoy the magic that is you.
Not all who wonder are lost (see what I did there?) Follow your curiosity.
Allison
