Hi reader.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about emergency plans. Tomorrow I’m taking a flight, and I know, before we takeoff, we’ll through the emergency plan. Schools have fire drills, and over the last decade, added “intruder” drills to the repertoire.
I recently realized that my kids and I have never done a fire drill in our home. Do they know where the extinguishers are? Do I? Do they work? We have smoke alarms, and most of the time when they go off that’s just annoying reminder to change the battery.
But we’ve never had a fire drill in my house. We’ve never done an intruder plan. Have you?
It appears that culturally, institutions and organizations make all kinds of safety plans (hello litigious nation), but they’re neglected in our personal lives.
Which brings me to a vital, yet oft-neglected safety plan: your emotional safety plan. Now I’m not talking about trigger warnings, I’m thinking more about what to do once you’ve been activated. Like when you’re seeing red. Or blue.
What do you do when you’re dysregulated?
My guess is that many of us hit our point of dysregulation far more frequently than we’ll have a fire, an intruder in our home, or a plane crash. We have whole systems to detect intruders and fires, and videos and brochures for plane crashes, but what’s our plan for managing chaos in our inner realm?
Exactly.
So let’s think it through. When you’re overstressed, what do you need? And can you access these needs in the moment of stress?
Then, let’s talk it out with the people you love. Figure out what you need, how to communicate it, and share it with the people who love you. Create safety plans together, taking care of each individual and the relationship.
In a moment of non-stress, think through what you need.
Back in the day, birth plans were all the rage. Think through what you want, and of course if you want to toss it out the window when those contractions come, so be it. The point is, at least, to think through how you’d like this to go. And then in the moment, do what you gotta do.
When I’m hitting emotional capacity, I like space, and quiet. In the afternoon, I benefit from 15-20 minutes to lay down on my bed when I’m depleted (no thank you, afternoon coffee. I’ll take that afternoon chillax). And when shit really needs the fan, I like some space to journal, and get my thoughts and feelings out. In fact, I journal most mornings as emotional maintenance, to process the muck out of the system. And to celebrate what’s good.
Some folks need to crash, or break things. Personally, I love a big bucket of ice and a hard surface (driveway, patio) for low-cleanup power breaks.
A heavy bag can work for those who want to physically exert, and of course, a pillow to scream into or punch.
Primal screams are always fun, or really loud music (RIP, Ozzy), or cold showers. Weighted blankets can also help.
What you need can change moment to moment, and situation to situation. When you find yourself frustrated and yelling at a person, that’s rarely the right solution, and the wrong solution in a rough situation can go bad fast. And if you take your bad feelings out on your person (we’ve all been there), in addition to being dysregulated, now you need to repair yourself and the relationship.
(That’s why I use ice on the patio and not plates. No one likes cleaning up a mess if it can be avoiced.)
There are wonderful exercises that people use to help kids emotionally regulate; I have a feelings thermometer taped to my wall. It’s part of all the socio-emotional learning that kids are doing these days. And those of up who didn’t grow up with this, let’s be real; these charts can be helpful for everyone.
Here’s the plan worth committing to: feel your emotional needs, in good and tough situations, and take a beat with them. Tend to them and care for them. Make it a habit to share these needs with yourself and with those around you.
With love, restoration and regulation,
Allison
