On my wedding day, I became a stepmother. That word, with all its ugly connotations, was a coat I put on top of my wedding dress. After the honeymoon, I looked at this coat (not at all my style), and I thought: what have I done?
Sounds horrible, doesn’t it. I felt like the ogre I was destined to become for just thinking these things.
Is this your destiny?
Even though my 10-year-old stepdaughter and I had a solid relationship, we met when she was 7, which is the “right” time, according to all the experts, and had ample time to get to know one another. We talked about the “step thing” (we both hated those step words – both stepchild and stepmother), and how our relationship was up to us, and we could make it whatever we wanted.
And we did.
But little did I know, my relationship with my stepdaughter was going to be the least of my challenges. Coordinating with her biological mother, managing carpool logistics and birthdays, handling alimony and child support, and most importantly, managing society-at-large, which is still moving forward with the tired assumption that children of divorce stay with their moms and see their dads infrequently, and more importantly, that dads (and by proxy stepmoms), are passive parents as soon as the divorce and remarriage papers are signed.
*Sigh*
In modern co-resident families (children of divorce, moving between homes), 85% of men get married again, within four years, which means the children will have a stepmother.
85% of children of divorce will have a stepmother. And while we should consider the welfare of the children (full stop), I can tell you one thing for sure: that stepmom needs a hand. It’s crucial to have support systems in place for the kids involved to help them navigate the emotional dynamics of blended families.
You know the old phrase “If momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy”? That goes triple for stepmoms. And there are so few proactive support resources – it’s time we help these sisters out.
She doesn’t need pity or sympathy. She needs empathy and understanding.
She needs what all moms need: help being the brave kick-ass woman she is, remembering that she is herself, after all, inside that stepmom coat. And she needs help supporting her marriage. Ayelet Waldman said it, now I’m saying it too.
Because only with a strong marriage can you possibly take care of the avalanche that is stepparenting. Before you can take care of your children, you need to take care of yourself, your marriage, your communication, and your tribe. Especially in stepfamilies.
Why? Here is a quick list of some things stepmoms have to deal with that regular moms never have to:
coordinating schedules, on a regular basis with your husband’s ex-wife
figuring out how to deal with your husband talking with his ex on a regular basis, and the loaded feelings that go with that
managing holidays, birthdays, vacations
helping your stepchild navigate between two homes with very different sets of rules/expectations
managing teachers, camp, doctors appointments
managing illness (do you send a kid to her mother’s house when she has the flu, it’s not “your day” and you’ve got an important work meeting planned?). Welcome to guilt vs. resentment.
in-laws who side with the ex (and don’t like you)
other moms/opinion leaders in town who don’t like that you’re ****_ (fill in the blank: young, pretty, successful, a good stepmom)
And I’m just getting started. If you don’t have a strong baseline with your husband, each and every one of these small things become a drain on the relationship.
It’s a hell of a lot to put on a marriage just out of the gates, isn’t it?
So sure, you can head to therapy. You can head to a psychiatrist. Or you can head to the bar. But I believe, a far better place to go is a trained life coach with a stepmom coach specialty. A life coach‘s job is to see the you you want to be, and to hold you accountable as you get there. To see the thriving fabulous women you were before you became a stepmom, look at the realities of being a stepmom and look at the stepmom that you and your husband can help you be, together.
Understanding the Stepmom Role
Being a stepmom in a blended family life is a unique and often challenging role. Unlike biological parents, stepmoms must navigate a complex web of relationships and expectations. It’s not just about stepping into a parental role; it’s about finding your place within an already established family dynamic. This can mean building relationships with stepchildren who may have mixed feelings about your presence, managing your own expectations, and understanding the distinct responsibilities that come with being a stepmom. Embracing this role requires patience, empathy, and a solid understanding of the blended family life you are now a part of.
Building a Support Network
One of the most crucial steps in thriving as a stepmom is building a robust support network. Fellow stepmoms, family, and friends can offer invaluable guidance, encouragement, and emotional support. This network can be a lifeline, helping you navigate the ups and downs of blended family life. Consider joining online communities where other stepmoms share their experiences and advice. Attending stepmom coaching sessions or local support groups can also provide a safe space to discuss your challenges and triumphs. Remember, you are not alone, and connecting with others who understand your journey can make a world of difference.
Communicating with Your Partner
Effective communication with your partner is the cornerstone of a successful blended family. It’s essential to have open and honest conversations about your feelings, needs, and expectations, as well as those of your partner and stepchildren. Make it a priority to discuss important issues like parenting styles, discipline, and boundaries. This ensures that both of you are on the same page and can present a united front. Remember, good communication is not just about talking but also about listening and understanding each other’s perspectives. By fostering strong communication, you can build a solid relationship that supports your blended family.
Navigating Blended Family Dynamics
Blended family dynamics can be intricate and sometimes challenging. Managing relationships between step-siblings, biological parents, and step-parents requires clear boundaries, effective communication, and a lot of patience. It’s important to prioritize quality time with each family member to strengthen individual bonds. Be flexible and understand that it takes time for everyone to adjust to the new family structure. Every blended family is unique, so what works for one may not work for another. The key is to remain patient and adaptable, always keeping the lines of communication open and prioritizing the well-being of the entire family.
Managing Emotions and Expectations
As a stepmom, managing your emotions and expectations is vital for maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship with your partner, stepchildren, and extended family. Be mindful of your emotional triggers and take time to reflect on your feelings and needs. Setting realistic expectations for yourself and your family can help prevent feelings of frustration and burnout. Prioritize self-care and don’t hesitate to ask for help when needed. It’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them. By managing your emotions and expectations, you can build a stronger, more resilient blended family, becoming the biggest cheerleader for yourself and your loved ones.
