I got into a semantic debate with a client recently around the word “fight”. He argued he needed to fight for his goals and I suggested a gentler approach, that the right choices would be revealed.
He did not like this.
In time, we aligned on the concept of downhill skiing. The mountain helps you, and you still have to effort your way down the hill.
And yet, I’ve titled this newsletter about the fight.
There’s so much fighting the gestalt right now – the wars in Ukraine, the Middle East, Sudan. Our political war right here in the US. “Fighting for the soul of our country,” as one man said.
As I watch Zelensky and Netanyahu make their rounds to congress, explaining their choices and asserting their right to defend themselves, I’m struck by how alone one is in their fight. And how, even with our rhetoric of collaboration and collegiality, often you need to fight your own fights.
A lighter example. I was recently in a parent text thread about a kids’ sport. The head of the program doesn’t like me, she doesn’t like most people. I asked a basic scheduling question. She ignored me. Over the course of a week, I asked it three more times and she continued to ignore me.
It was passive aggressive and mean. At pick up, parents told me that they were uncomfortable with my mistreatment. But no one spoke up.
And so I realized, despite the public nature of the bullying, and all eyes on it, it was a fight I’d fight alone. And so I did, in person, with a giant smile. Kindness won, in this case.
We’ve all been in group texts that turn mean, whether it’s friends, family or colleagues. We’ve watched as things go sour. It’s not pretty. And rarely does another pick up the mantle, it’s just a lot of silent tongue-clicking.
As adults, we’re often fighting our battles alone, whether that’s in raising children, navigating a career, negotiating a car price (ick!), or managing a difficult break up. It can be hard.
And.
It’s essential for growth. I am an enormous fan of the concept of the Hero’s Journey by Joseph Campbell. In a nutshell:
She walks into the woods alone. She meets creatures who help her, situations that challenge her. She is tested. She learns who she is. She returns different.
We cannot not learn who we are without the life challenges that reveal who we are.
In fact, we cannot be our full selves without these challenges that define us. It’s not fun, it’s not comfortable, but it’s how we become a more manifested version of ourselves. Ultimately, it’s life affirming.
I hope that you can remember this when you’re in tough situations (because you will be). This is an opportunity for you to find out what you’re made of. Fight the good fight, keep your spirit, and reveal to yourself who you are.
Wishing you courage,
Allison
PS: After my last newsletter on the 24-hour rule, I received this lovely note from a client. I loved her perspective on the rule, and wanted to share it with you:
The 24 hour rule hit home. For me it’s not so much something I’d regret saying, but realizing that my gut response won’t move my goals forward. I’ve been working on communicating more effectively with my low EQ co-founders, which has included taking time and breathing before responding. I can’t change them, but changing my response to them has been super helpful. Just a different take on how the same rule helps foster more productive communication.
